monochrome

I disappointed myself again,

what a surprise (ironic). 

I thin this is accurate, 

if you think of it, 

maybe I like color because

I only see my life in black & white. 

But mostly grey. 

And it gets darker most often. 

I'm in one of those black spots. 

I'm certain there's white somewhere, 

but I'm not strong enough, 

not brave enough. 

And I already know everything that you could say.

That's why I don't want to hear it. 

It doesn't work. It's meaningless. 

Moon

I wish I could be like you.

19042020

Is tough to be a bug.
The world looks so big,
and you're so small.
Everything is big compared to you,
everyone looks like a giant.

Is tough to be a bug.
Every day feels like it could be the last.
Always running, trying to escape catastrophe.
You're already used to being look at
with pity, with disgust, with anger,
for no reason.

Is tough to be a bug.
Nobody cares about you.
They only see you as an annoyance.
Your existence bothers everyone.
Nobody likes you.

Is tough to be a bug.
So, sometimes, it's almost relieving,
to know your life is short and
maybe tomorrow you won't suffer any more.

how did the sky look?

It was a perfect day.
Clear skies, bright sun, perfect weather.
No one would've said
that it was going to be ruined like that.
I'm sorry.
My head is messy.
I love sleeping under the perfect sun,
but is not like that inside my brain.
I've got a thunderstorm every night,
fog every morning
and rain in the afternoon, not a cool, calm rain,
more like a heavy, windy, cold and piercing rain,
the one that feels like it's about to hail.

So my sky is a fucking mess.

Grief

It can be really hard to talk about it some times.
Someone who was here before,
now they're not.
And there are so many things I could have done,
so many things I could have say.
If I could go back in time, I will.
I'll go back, to tell you I love you,
more times, more seriously,
I'll do better.
I just need to learn how to go back.

-hey

I didn't write euphoria or bearing fruit,
I'm sorry.
I was busy suffering.
It was a new kind of pain, too intense to write.
Too intense to even think about it.
Is not okay yet, I don't think it will be.
But it's in truce now.
I just came to say that I'm sorry,
and I'll try to come back tomorrow,
well, later, and keep this shit going.

Pink, like your brain

Me estoy derritiendo.
Y me sigue faltado el tiempo,
se me hace difuso, se pasa volando.
Y querría haber llegado cuando tocaba,
con la cabeza bien puesta,
con el cerebro en su sitio,
pero no ha podido ser,
no sé si podrá ser algún día.
Y siento que esto es un engaño,
que estoy dando forma a un trozo de barro
que no va a aguantar ni media tormenta.
Pero no pasa nada,
de todas formas nadie tenía esperaba nada.
Y si tengo la suerte de que el barro seque,
de que el horno funcione,
que no se destroce la pieza a medio cocer,
con un poco de paciencia, un poco de tacto,
tal vez pueda pintarlo de rosa.

The city

You look so good.

I wish I could lose myself in you.
You're the future I wanna get to.
I saw you in a dream, when I was awake.
You're all the things I don't have.
I don't miss home, 'cause you're home,
you take me in your arms, promising.

Hotter than hell when the summer hits.
Wild as the wind when you get mad.
Bigger than my heart, so welcoming.
You make me feel lonely in your hugs,
yet you feel so warm, so loving.

I wanna run to you, escape myself.
Grown in your insides, conquer you.
Become another number in your story.

Submerged in water

Cierro los ojos y se me nublan los oídos.
Aguanto la respiración.
Intento hacer mi cuerpo más pesado.
Noto como me flota el pelo alrededor.
Estoy en otra parte, lejos,
en cualquiera de los mundos,
menos este.
Tengo una vida totalmente diferente,
despliego las alas y vuelo.
Echo a correr entre la hierba.
Vivo en lo alto de una estantería.
Puedo ver en la oscuridad.
Tengo mil años y soy un castillo.
Soy un fuego que no se apaga.
Llevo una maleta llena de magia.
Tengo un ángel de la guarda.
Empieza a faltarme el aire,
aprieto los ojos.
Cabalgo por la autopista.
Soy una pesadilla.
Puedo ver el futuro-
Tengo las manos llenas de sangre.
No aguanto más, abro los ojos.
Emerjo.
Me hundo.

Heaven/Hell

I'm standing in the dark,
two doors before me,
both with your face in them.
I know I have to open one of them.
I have to.
But I just can't.
I don't want to face the other side,
don't wanna fly to heaven,
don't wanna fall to hell.
So I'm here,
trapped,
frozen,
scared.
I want a third door.
Become another person.
Be somebody else.
Leave this body, this life.
Everything matters too much,
to the point where I don't care anymore.
So I lie.
You can hang me up, sentence me to death,
I don't care.
I just wanna throw my heart away,
stop feeling, stop caring.


I just wanna set the damn doors on fire.

1004

Parasitic,
that's what you were.
I didn't realize it then,
when you manipulated me,
when you hurt me,
again and again.
Like you didn't care.
You were always the same,
always saying it was for the best,
that you were protecting me,
turning yourself into a victim,
blindfolding me with your words.
I thought they were loving words.
I doubted so many times,
and I asked you:
“Did you love me?”
“Did you ever care about me?”
I really wanted to trust you
when you said you did,
you cared so much.
And I hated writing this.
Because I was am over you,
but now I'm reading our conversations again.
We loved each other so much
(at least I did)
I kinda miss it some times.
I could tear my heart apart writing about you,
but let's not do that.
I wonder how you're doing (sometimes).
I sincerely hope you're doing well.
Hope you're happy, and letting the ones around you be happy too.
I hope when we see each other again,
we can smile and say “hi”,
like old acquaintances
 that never had our story.

Natural light

I'm not a plant (not yet at least),
but instead of sunbathing,
I'd like to photosynthesize.
Feed on the sun,
grow from its heat.

I'm not a plant (not yet at least),
but I'd like to be one.
So much less to worry about.
So much less to think about.
Wait, they don't think, do they?

Maybe I think it's easier,
because I can think.
But I'm not a plant,
I can not know.
It may be really hard to be a plant.

I don't think plants know,
but it's really hard to be a human.

Hometown

Feels right to talk about it now.
Now that we're here, at home,
unable to go out, confined.
I'm at my hometown.
It's funny how many things a place can be at once.
It's quiet, but alive and noisy.
It's big and green, but I just hold the same four walls.
It's homely, but at times it makes me anxious.
It's spacious, but I feel trapped (and it's not by the quarantine).
It's a safe space and hell at the same time.
It's a memory. Good ones, bad ones.
It's a constant reminder of my life,
of my family, of life.
I'm grateful.
But my heart it's torn apart.

chemical reaction

She was sitting just across the room,
focusing on her measurements.
Her hair was tied up in a messy bun,
enough to get it out of her face.
Frowning and biting the inside of her mouth,
her hands moving slowly, without trembling.
But then I tripped, fell down.
She got startled by the noise,
her hands out of control.
So she accidentally poured too much.
I heard I bubbly sound.
I heard her call my name and swear.
And then the room was foggy.
She coughed and shouted,
but I wasn't listening.
Something had come out of the fog.

6.4

He llegado tarde otra vez.

Lo siento, es que se me mezclan las cosas. 

La falta de rutina y la carencia de motivación. 

La ansiedad y el volar de las horas. 

La continua y aplastante sensación de hacerlo todo mal. 

La obsesión por estar al tanto de todo

y la incapacidad de completar una sola cosa. 

Es el constante himno de mi vida. 

Let me play this song again. 

peace

I wanna sit in the edge of the world and just stay there for a bunch of songs, watching as the world goes on without me. 

the view from up here

I can see her.

How she's growing. 

I'm proud of her,

of all that she's achieved. 

I can hear her sing,

just like she always did, 

in small places, 

with all her heart. 

I can smell her perfume. 

She smells like flowers, 

like fresh fruit in the morning. 

It's the smell of joy. 

I can almost taste it, 

the tea she drinks all nights,

when she's tired but not sleepy. 

Apples and cinnamon. 

But I can't feel her warmth.

I can't feel her touch, or hugs. 

I can't put her hair behind her ears. 

I can't kiss her. 

All I can do is watch her. 

Waiting. 

But she's the best view I ever had. 

So if you ask me, yes. 

I love the view from up here. 

Earthly pleasures

Tomar el sol en el tejado,
leer el mismo libro por sexta vez,
comer chocolate de madrugada,
quedarme en la cama por la mañana,
rodeada de almohadas.
Ver a la gente a mi alrededor feliz,
caminar de noche con el frío de otoño,
escuchar música con la mente en blanco.
Sentarme en el suelo,
hablando durante horas,
de cualquier cosa, de todo.
Mirar como arde la leña,
sentir el calor de la estufa.

Is anyone listening?

I just want to know.
Did you ever care?
Did you ever listen?
My heart was crying
and I felt lonely being with you.
You said you cared about me,
you said I was important.
So why did you treat me like that?
Why does everyone do that?
I'm here, I'm a person too.
I want you to stop seeing me as a weak animal,
or a funny toy,
or a tears tissue,
or a crying baby.
I might be those things.
But there's more to me.
Stop taking advantage of my fears,
it's scary.
I felt so powerless.
I still do most of the time.

Growth/Decay

A veces me siento como una planta en constante movimiento.

Justo cuando parece que he echado raíces,
cuando he encontrado un lugar donde me da el sol,
con la tierra fértil y el agua suficiente,
cuando puedo empezar a crecer,

me arrancan.

Y me marchito.

No del todo, pero sí lo suficiente como para perder el ánimo.

Y pierdo el contacto con el mundo, y la tierra, y el sol y el agua.

Hasta que aparece otra maceta.

Un lugar nuevo donde tratar de echar raíces,

volver a intentarlo.

Y el ciclo vuelve a empezar

01/04

I'm sorry. I forgot.
I never see the dawn anymore.
I go to sleep just before the sun raises
and I sleep till midday.

It feels like the world is on hold,
but I'm frozen. I can't keep going.
I'm just waiting for life to continue,
hoping the world won't end with this.

Hoping to see another dawn.