Estoy resfriada

No sé si padezco de insomnio o es que gasto todas mis fuerzas en mantenerme despierta a pesar de ansiar a diario el momento de dormirme. Puede que ya sea la fuerza de la costumbre, que me impide conciliar el sueño a horas normales. Por lo menos ahora mi mayor preocupación son mis dedos congelados, mi espalda destrozada y los años de cansancio que arrastro (he mandado el resto a un rincón de mi cerebro que no quiero explorar esta noche). Puede que hoy no descanse, que no sea capaz de respirar y  que me ahogue en sueños, pero al menos estos dolores son físicos y no un martillo mecánico en mi cabeza y por una vez me alegro, hoy reina el mal menor, y en mi caso, es mucho mejor de lo que imaginaba, aunque peor de lo que cabría esperar.

this might be a lie

Nobody cares. I walk between realities, trying to keep the balance, to hold the whole world, but I'm nor a god nor a hero. I'm just human, and most of the time I'm not even that. So I get it, people stop caring when I stop being human, they just want me to be human enough to be funny, to enjoy (with) me. I can't always be that person, I try, I need them to accept me so bad. Sometimes I'll do anything. But I'm a fake, I don't lie about that. I'm so fucking tired. It's hard to be that person right now. I just want to hide in my little cave, sleep, walk away, get lost, forget. I can't remember most of my life. That's kinda messed up. I don't find it surprising anymore. Why do you. I wish I didn't care about y'all that much, so I could really leave and not feel bad about it. I wish the day comes, when I finally disappear without anyone noticing, not even me. Sorry. 

IHNTKM

My head hurts. I just went outside looking crazy with my mind blurred. The cold felt good, the people and the lights didn't. It's getting harder again. I always say the same shit, I know, sorry.  I just wish I wasn't like this. If only I could be another person, in another place, with another mind.nI just keep evading writing it here, directly. But why? You would worry, well, that's for sure and it's normal, but it's been like this for more than eight years, you shouldn't worry more. And I'm taking care of myself, I'm seeing people, I have the situation almost under control.

12/19

I guess this year's gonna be different. At least I'm trying, giving it another chance, giving me another chance. It still makes me anxious, but almost everything in my life does, it's something I got used to a while ago. It has already started, not going bad, but I still can't feel the joy? happiness? I don't really know what I'm looking for, maybe to not be disappointed every day, but I guess I can't avoid it, better get used to this too.
I'm not really in the mood to write, it's getting harder again. I just wanted to drop by, prove that I'm still alive, here.