Words

It hurts. I can feel them pushing against the inside of my back, trying to get out, to break me. It's like having a snake inside me, moving up and down, looking for a way out, crashing my bones. I didn't think I had it in me, but maybe I do. It's not the same kind of pain. I've learnt to enjoy some kinds of pain, but this is new, it'll take some time to get used to it, or maybe I won't. I may be suffering, but that means I'm alive, it's nice to know.

I still can't hate u

Five years ago I would have run to you, it's fucked up. And yes, I still think about you some times, I think that will never change. But I won't run to you ever again. Not to you, not to him. Not ever again. I don't hate you, I still think hate is a very strong word, I don't use it with anyone. But I don't like you.

Estoy resfriada

No sé si padezco de insomnio o es que gasto todas mis fuerzas en mantenerme despierta a pesar de ansiar a diario el momento de dormirme. Puede que ya sea la fuerza de la costumbre, que me impide conciliar el sueño a horas normales. Por lo menos ahora mi mayor preocupación son mis dedos congelados, mi espalda destrozada y los años de cansancio que arrastro (he mandado el resto a un rincón de mi cerebro que no quiero explorar esta noche). Puede que hoy no descanse, que no sea capaz de respirar y  que me ahogue en sueños, pero al menos estos dolores son físicos y no un martillo mecánico en mi cabeza y por una vez me alegro, hoy reina el mal menor, y en mi caso, es mucho mejor de lo que imaginaba, aunque peor de lo que cabría esperar.

this might be a lie

Nobody cares. I walk between realities, trying to keep the balance, to hold the whole world, but I'm nor a god nor a hero. I'm just human, and most of the time I'm not even that. So I get it, people stop caring when I stop being human, they just want me to be human enough to be funny, to enjoy (with) me. I can't always be that person, I try, I need them to accept me so bad. Sometimes I'll do anything. But I'm a fake, I don't lie about that. I'm so fucking tired. It's hard to be that person right now. I just want to hide in my little cave, sleep, walk away, get lost, forget. I can't remember most of my life. That's kinda messed up. I don't find it surprising anymore. Why do you. I wish I didn't care about y'all that much, so I could really leave and not feel bad about it. I wish the day comes, when I finally disappear without anyone noticing, not even me. Sorry. 

IHNTKM

My head hurts. I just went outside looking crazy with my mind blurred. The cold felt good, the people and the lights didn't. It's getting harder again. I always say the same shit, I know, sorry.  I just wish I wasn't like this. If only I could be another person, in another place, with another mind.nI just keep evading writing it here, directly. But why? You would worry, well, that's for sure and it's normal, but it's been like this for more than eight years, you shouldn't worry more. And I'm taking care of myself, I'm seeing people, I have the situation almost under control.

12/19

I guess this year's gonna be different. At least I'm trying, giving it another chance, giving me another chance. It still makes me anxious, but almost everything in my life does, it's something I got used to a while ago. It has already started, not going bad, but I still can't feel the joy? happiness? I don't really know what I'm looking for, maybe to not be disappointed every day, but I guess I can't avoid it, better get used to this too.
I'm not really in the mood to write, it's getting harder again. I just wanted to drop by, prove that I'm still alive, here.

Noviembre

Este noviembre me había propuesto hacer lo que ningún otro noviembre había imaginado. Pero tan solo he logrado dos días y medio de vacío. Sabía que me había desgastado, que llevaba siglos oxidada, pero no imaginaba hasta qué punto. Ahora ni siquiera puedo escribir un principio, no sé cómo comenzar, todas mis viejas ideas parecen polvorientas y melladas. Al menos me queda encontrar consuelo en el estrés que este mes me promete, y contar con que esa distracción sea suficiente para olvidarme, al menos por ahora, de que estoy tan deshecha que casi no llego a persona.