Blacksmith

I don't have hate for anyone, except myself. Over and over again. I keep hating me. I want to shape myself into a new person. I've tried. I didn't care how much I needed to hurt myself to change, to be better for others, wonder why I never got to be good enough. And I feel disgusted when I see the past me, who the hell is she and why do I hate her so much? Why did she have to be like that? Why did she say that? Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and sometimes I wish I could bring her down to hell. We only caused problems to each other, I'm sure I'll cause problems to future me too, I'm sorry.

Sometimes I wonder who I was. I still don't know who I am. I have no shape, I have no truth. Sometimes I don't even think I'm real. Oh, I wish I wasn't real. I hate how egocentric English makes me look when I talk about my feelings and myself. But it's still hard to talk about those things in Spanish. Can I be cured? Am I supposed to just live like this forever? Because I don't want to. Don0t listen to me: I don't want to. Sometimes I wish I was just a little bit braver. Brave enough. I know I can't say that. I know it'll make everyone sad. But I feel like River. I felt like it was (one of) the most accurate representation of what I feel. It's just too much and I can't handle it. And I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. I'm tied. I'm trapped here. I don't even have a good story. I'm not even a good person. I'm not even an honest person. Sure, you all like me, but that's just because I'm a bit charming, I smile and listen and I help people sometimes. That's just because I try so hard to be a decent human being sometimes.

But I ain't.

Is nobody going to realize that?

I wanna get out of my head. I wanna leave my body to die. I want to disappear. I just want to be a spectator. But I'm also fine being nothing, maybe that's the only thing I'm good at. And you can't tell me otherwise. I don't want people to lie to me or give me empty words about how wrong I am. I can't take it today (I won't take it for the next ten minutes, then I'll go back to being a nice girl who eats with her family and talks only about the good things). You are not inside my head, you don't know, it's the worst place I know. That's why being numb and cloudy feels so nice because I don't feel that much.

I'm so sorry. I'm not feeling good right now. I'll try.