Anyone

I'm so disappointed at myself. I haven't done anything right in ¿months? ¿years? I don't even wanna know. I told myself I would try, that I would keep up. I'm still a liar. I'm not keeping up, life's going too fast and I don't even know how to run. I feel trapped, tired. Fuck, I'm always tired, I don't think that's normal. I think I may be killing myself slowly and I don't really care. I need immediate comfort that I can't really find, not in food, not in bed, not in people, even though I try. I know it's not right, I know I should be writing in that notebook so in a couple months a psycho can read it and tell me how fucked up I am and how this mess is all my fault and how I'm making things up and not focusing in the positive. But I don't want to. I've been avoiding it for days. Is anyone ganna give me comfort, heal me? Doesn't seem like it so why bother? I can always go back to my old self, the one that was able t hide it, sure, it's more complicated now since it's worse but hey, if it's all in my head then why bother getting it out? Just cut my head when you get tired of it. I don't think I'm able to grow another one but who cares? I wasn't that interesting in the first place, you'll survive. Oh, I'm sorry, not really thinking 'bout y'all right now, I'm deep in the selfish pain, let me hang here for a while, I don't wanna go full crazy yet. Sometimes I think I'm making things up. And also there are times when I think I had a happy childhood - and I did - if you put aside the abuse, the daddy issues, the self-punishment, the early anxiety, the Fear... - but my brain took care of that, that's why I can't remember half of my life. It's not ideal, I have huge memory issues now, sometimes I can't even remember what I just said. Sometimes I wish my brain would give back my memory - I could use it, like for studying and real-life stuff like that. I don't think my memories are that bad, I think I have more of it processed now. And what they said about scars? Not true, I have most of mine gone now, you just gotta do it right. Oh, yeah, there's another issue, pain addiction, that's a funny one, still with me that one, but I try to keep it under control - and by that I mean replace pain with food even if it leads to body issues again, gotta have priorities, right? I should get going, I'm in a really dark place right now. I'm sorry. I couldn't confront my diary so I came here looking or relief. Not gonna lie, I feel guilty now. But hey, no worries, just another day. Sorry. See ya.