Limbo

Things aren't bad. There are also not good. It feels like I'm just here being, and that's all. It has worked for the past two months, but I'm getting tired of all this activity, all this distraction. I need it, but it takes a lot of energy from me. But what can I do? I just try to keep on until the headaches kick on and then try to sleep through it, but it takes me hours. I was talking about that the other day with my mom, that I can't go to bed and fall asleep immediately, it usually takes two or three hours. She sais is my fault, she's probably right, it has been like this since I can remember. When I was in high school I used to sleep four hours a night and then collapse every other weekend and on Saturdays, I would sleep ten hours, until my mom got mad and pulled me out of bed to eat something. So my family always thought I was sleepy.

I just lost track of what I was thinking and what I was going to write. So I'm leaving it here.

I'm the one to blame

Sometimes I think I'm messed up because of them. You know, my dad, my best friend when I was little, a couple more toxic friends, the expectations my mom had (has) on me. I was a snail living on a volcano. But maybe it was all me, I was (am) too weak for all those things. I didn't know (I don't know) how to manage emotions. So I grew up trying to be what people wanted me to be, maybe that's why I found it so hard to know me sometimes. Maybe that's why I can't be loyal to myself. I grew up afraid of consequences, afraid of making someone angry or disappointed. I still am. "Oh, yeah, she's clever, but the world will eat her", they were talking about me. Now I don't feel clever at all. I think I screwed up all parts of my brain trying not to think about how bad I feel every damn day. I know it can get worse, but do I care? I don't think I do. And there's nothing that makes me sad, not specifically, but nothing is keeping me from sadness, from the black hole my mind has become, bigger and bigger every year. Sometimes I don't even have hope for myself, I've accepted that I will live like this for the rest of my life. The bright side: It could get better, then it'll be a surprise. In the meantime, I think being optimistic about this is just gonna make me feel worse. Like with all the other things.

I better shut up now.

Summer of 2018

I don't wanna go back.
I'll do whatever it takes.

Older

Estoy orgullosa, porque estoy consiguiendo que este verano no sea como el anterior. Porque aunque no todo es maravilloso, al menos no me siento auislada del mundo, no me siento tan miserable y no he tenido que curarme tantas veces. Estoy aprendiendo a mantenerme ocupada de formas viejas y nuevas. Y puede que no todas sean buenas, pero parecen funcionar, al menos temporalmente, al menos parcialmente. Queda un mes para septiembre, poco más para que empiece el curso y la rutina me ayude a tener la cabeza llena de cosas y vacía de pensamientos.
Sé que estoy matando a una de todas aquellas personas que fui, pero por muchas películas que vea, sé que soñar es inútil y tal vez así consiga salvar otras partes de mi. Y al final, a nadie le importa realmente.