On another love

It's been a while.

I hate this feeling. Everything it's so fragile. 

And they say I'm the sensitive one.

I have to take my pain – every kind of it – and put it away in a box because it does not matter, it never will, there's no space for it.

The pain you all have, the pain you bring inside, is so big it takes all the space.

And it hurts me, in so many ways. I have to be strong all the time, 'cause the moment I lower my guard, I become the one to point at. So I'm never enough and every thing I do is wrong.

And you all are so cruel to one another, and I can't understand why. And I try, I have tried so many times to be the mediator, the empathetic one, the understanding. But sometimes it seems like you don't even want to understand each other anymore. Like, yeah, you love each other, but you don't put the effort of really understanding each other. So we're always here. And I feel small, insignificant. And I'm scared, I don't know want to do or what to be or how to react, and I feel still like a little scared girl.

And I remember, when there was a calm after the storm, and I felt confident for a while that we were gonna be okay. But I guess that once you're a dysfunctional family, it's hard to not be one again, even when it gets rebuilt.

So I shut up and down. And I try. And I fail every damn time. And it's gotten to a point we're the things I've learned are to not stand up for myself, just in case I hurt other people's feeling along the way, just in case.

It's very hard to try and work on myself when home is not the idea of love anymore, when it's a place to pick up again and again the little pieces of my heart that fell to the ground. And I'm “the introvert one” but no one ever says that I'm the one that went through abuse and trauma since the very start and had no other coping mechanism than a closed bedroom and a stuffed rabbit. And everything I've learned about my mind, it's only because I got tired of wanting to be dead every single day and put the effort of talking to someone. And I fight every damn day to get out of that mind space. But they don't know, and I would be selfish of me if they did. 

So I have to release the pain somewhere, sometimes. And add some other stuff to the list of things they don't know about while I keep fighting to not hurt myself to relieve some of the pain, to keep those thoughts away. And it's been like this since I remember, at least since I was 11 – which, if you think about it, is really messed up –. Funny thing is, I'm the most okay I've probably have been since then. But hey, baby steps.

Almost there

We're almost there.

I feel so happy and excited. I just want this moment to come and be perfect, cause I'm so sure – It's going to be perfect.

And I won't be sad when it passes, because I'll still have you, and I'll have next year to plan and think about.

It's just so overwhelming sometimes. The way you make me feel. I look at you and you shine so bright and you love me so much that it makes me want to cry because I know, you're going to make me happy. I know you're going to take it me, worry about me, try your best, be interested in me.

Just today you were alone in the car listening to a song that I told you I liked, reading the lyrics along, making an effort, just so that you could understand it better. And when I got back in the car and noticed that I had missed it you put the track on again and sang along with me.

It's the little things, that feel so big. Because you make the effort. And I feel so loved.

You came to dinner with my friends yesterday and I was so happy to see you there. To have that much fun, to have you, eager to meet them, happy to be there. And it made me so happy to know that you had liked each other that I really cried that night.

And also today, we were joking with our friends, talking about you and the way you are, the jokes you crack. And I was so amazed. I've known you for years, we've been friends all this time and I knew you. But as a boyfriend, as a partner... I could've never imagined something like this was possible. You're everything, you give everything and I can only hope that I am able to make you feel at least half as happy as you make me. Everyday I think to myself, this is it, there's no higher love than this, no way this feeling gets more intense... But then I see you again, new day, and my love for you grows again. I'm even afraid that my heart won't be able to hold it sometimes. But I know it will, cause I seriously feel it getting bigger too. 

I love you.