.

Today was a bunch of "you're not enough" thrown at my face. I'm still trying to fight it. Sorry. 

Automobiles

Falling out of love feels like a weird roadtrip.

You knew where you were meant to go when you took off, but after a certain point you lost the map. So now you're driving in circles, not finding the way.

And you're able to recognize some signs, but none of them points you back home, so you keep going, with hope at first.

But then at some point, you get into a traffic jam that goes on forever, and you start losing faith.

So you try to get out of there. You end up in a car crash, unable to move while your car gets on fire.

Then you realize that you may be able to get out of that car in time, but that shit is going to explode.

The ambulance shows up and the noises get louder and louder. It hurts but you're going to make it.

Comfortable

Puede que sea egoísta. 

Porque después de todo este tiempo y toda esta vida y toda esta gente quiero dejar de preocuparme. 

Quiero dejar de sentir que me ahogo y me hundo cada vez que alguien dice algo o deja de decirlo. 

Quiero dejar de sentir que tengo que sujetar el mundo sobre mis hombros.

Me gustaría poder estar sola conmigo misma y no sentir que se me revuelve el cerebro.

Y hay cosas que han mejorado, y hay días que hasta me aguanto más de 10 horas sin caer en el pozo, son pequeños logros.

Pero quiero empezar a sentirme cómoda en el mundo. A sentir que soy la única persona que depende de mí. Que no tengo por qué recorrer todo el camino sola y cargando con la misma mochila de siempre.

Quiero que no me resulte extraño salir sin nada en los bolsillos. 

Y si pudiera pediría incluso dejar de pensar constantemente en cómo me estará juzgando el mundo.

Y quiero volver a mi psicóloga y sentirme cómoda hablando y volver a oír que estoy en el buen camino.

Quiero librarme de los recuerdos, o más bien del dolor que me producen y borrar todas las cosas que duelen. Porque quiero que la vida sea siempre del color del atardecer.

No quiero volver a querer desaparecer.

(L)onl(e)ly

I've felt lonely my entire life.

It has always been there, the emptiness, like background music.

Even when I was surrounded by people and joy, the silence came and left me all alone again.

When I was supposed to be happy, even then, I felt so lonely.

Don't get me wrong, it hasn't gone away.

And I didn't want to make it all about you, but.

You fill that void when you're here. And I don't want to put that over your shoulders. I don't want you to feel responsible.

It's not like I'm only okay when I'm with you.

But love is such a powerful feeling. 

Capable of making me feel less lonely, even if it's just only for a while.

here's what I remember

Recuerdo levantar la cabeza y ver las estrellas tan brillantes que casi parecen de mentira.

Bajar la cabeza y verte de espaldas en la semioscuridad, brillando. 

Estoy haciendo una colección de nuevos recuerdos y se me hace pequeña.

Porque recuerdo verte y tocarte y me enciendo como una estrella nueva. Y recuerdo tu cara y tu sonrisa y me cuesta respirar en el mejor de los sentidos. 

Y recuerdo tu calor y me siento como una niña viviendo en una estrella.

Recordar nunca ha sido lo mío (por suerte o por desgracia) y hay decenas de recuerdos que querría olvidar y miles que desearía poder recuperar. Pero miras la hora o soplas las velas o se te cae una pestaña o pasamos un túnel y deseo con todas mis fuerzas no olvidar nunca estos momentos. 

Ego

Today is day one and I'm supposed to write about me. 

About my ego.

But I've been feeling this way for a while now and all I can think about is you.

So I'll write about the me I wanna be. The me you see, the one you love. The one that feels so incredibly loved by you. 

So much that I can't understand it. What did I do to deserve this?

So I try my best to be that version of myself even though I know I don't have to try. And it makes me so happy I could cry.

It feels like I could be any version of myself and you would love me anyway. My heart feels warmer than it's ever felt. 

You keep trying to feed my ego with your feelings, your words, your actions and your touch. God, I feel hungry and full and happy and so warm.

It's such an amazing feeling. 

I'm supposed to write about my ego. But I only find words to write about you.