Somebody kill this pain

So, I found a new way to torture myself. But it also has failures, I can't stop talking lately. I hate this. I'm not okay right now. Well, I know I'm never totally okay, but I'm talking about something else. My head is killing me, I had almost no sleep today, and the day before I took a pill before the anxiety kicked in 'cause I knew what was coming. So I'm not even physically okay. I know what it looks like, I have eyes too, wish I didn't sometimes. But, you know? I don't think I know how feeling works anymore, and the things I get to feel, most of them, are only pushing me down. So yeah, I don't wanna feel anymore. I don't wanna see anymore, I don't want to hear stupid advice and people telling me how I got an amazing life because I already know all that. I already saw everything. I already thought of that, you know? at least one million times before I said anything out loud. Before I wrote anything. I keep fighting a fight I don't want to, I want to lose and let it all go. I'm tired. I have been for a long time.