So it happened again.
I'm a very self-demanding person. And it's not always something bad, I know I'm still here partly because of it. It makes my anxiety high-functioning, it keeps me going - yes, sometimes that's really bad, but it usually works -.
But I'm also insecure, and I don't think the best of myself. So I think everyone can do the things I do, because I'm not that great and those things aren't that hard, so why wouldn't they be able to? And then, when they don't - no matter the reasons - I'm disappointed, sometimes even mad. And it's something that happens A LOT. But what frustrates me the most is that I'm not getting used to that feeling of disappointment. It happens a lot, and every time it hurts, it makes me feel sad and empty, especially when things end. I'm at the end of everything. Everyone had a great time, I endured a lot of stress, my expectations weren't met, I didn't enjoy it to the fullest, and I'm left with a sad and empty feeling in my chest.
And I know this is a me feeling. Something maybe I should've worked on while I was in therapy - maybe a reason to come back - something for me to fix, since I "can't control other people's emotions, actions or reactions" (oh wow, so I guess we did talk about this in therapy). But, how do I do that? It seems I can't even control my own emotions or reactions, just try to hide what I'm thinking and pray so my face won't betray me and show everything.
And this applied to relationships, too. I don't hold the same "rules" as to what a friendship should entail as everyone else. And it can be... damaging. I feel drained and like I'm not doing enough at the same time. I feel guilty for doing more for people who don't deserve it or appreciate it than for people who have shown me nothing but love and not caused me any of these issues.
But thinking like this, is it not being selfish? Am I not feeling too high of myself? How can I be so insecure and so egotistical at the same time? Am I doing too much or too little? Or both? How do I fix it? How do I give myself to everyone who loves me, and I love, equally? How do I keep myself sane and rested? I feel like I can't win. Like, no matter what I'll do, I'll always lose. When do I get to be selfish and not feel guilty about it?
I need a good night's sleep. I wish I could get it sometime soon.
