Hey, it's been a while.
And this time is different. This time, there's more will. I have come a long way, and the best part is that I want to keep going, which is refreshing but a new kind of hard. I feel like I deserve things now, at least sometimes. And I keep going back and forth, fighting with myself, trying to become someone else, a better version of me, one that wants to be alive.
But somehow now it's harder to give myself away. So I get angry. I get angry at everyone for always expecting things of me, getting me for granted, like everybody will do the things I do, except no one does. But when I think that way I cringe, because I'm not that special, and of course I'm dispensable and not special. But I am. But not really. So the part of me that despises me keeps fighting with the part of me that thinks I'm amazing and they keep ignoring the regular human side. But how can I say anything, what if I do and everyone hates me? What if they're all talking behind my back about how I think I'm something else when I'm not? And I'm scared of everyone hating me, and I have to know they do not. I have to think that and make that effort by myself.
When I'm low my mind keeps going to that dark side. My anxiety comes back to tell me that it would be easier and better to be dead. So I keep pushing that away. And I least I can kind of talk about it now. I can even manage it. I've found less dangerous ways to hurt myself to cope with things. But the funny thing is those are not harmless either, so I've just created a different issue to fix a problem. But hey, I least I binge instead of self-harming, and I guess that's an improvement.
I'm sad now, and this feels messy and a bunch of nonsense, but I swear I'm better now. It's just that recovery is not like they show in the movies. I'm scared of so many other new things. And I feel alone in such a different way, it surprises me. No one tells you how hard it feels to want to be alive while you're getting tired of wishing to be dead, I guess it's not something helpful. Maybe not everyone feels this way. I wonder if the voice ever goes completely away. Mine has gotten smaller and weaker, but it does not disappear. Even if I don't really feel like I want to die at the moment, it just comes and lets me know that it would be easier, less painful, like it was a helpful tip.
And I keep doing these things, 'cause it's my thing to do them. And I keep getting tired of feeling like the Atlas of my world. And I keep saying I won't do this again, that I'll learn to delegate, I'll learn to speak out, to ask for help. But I don't. And I get angry. And I'm tired. And I think I know better. And I feel left out, betrayed, ignored, excluded, dismissed, lonely, angry, stressed, scared. I crave the approval of others, and it never feels enough; it never fills my void. Would anyone do the same for me? I'm scared of finding out. I'm supposed to be happy now. I am sometimes. I generally am. I don't want to keep unblocking new insecurities. I don't like this feeling. I feel like my feeling this way will bother others, so I shouldn't. I should just stop being a pain in the ass, being so entitled. But how? When will it be enough? How do I get to be happy and at peace with myself and to be the version of me I should be instead of the one I am? I can do this shit anymore, but I will. With hard work, breakdowns, tears, joy, love, and a newfound will to live, even if this is the cost. At least for now. I really hope it gets better.
I actually just wanted to come here to vent about silly things like how stressed it makes me to organise things and take care of everything, but I got the headphones on and blasted music to a dangerous volume. And I discovered that half of my dark playist is now gone, but I turned that shit on anyways to try and get in my writing dark feeling mode and it got out of hand. I might go for a walk to try and get back to reality.
But really. Everything is better now.
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